I've been asked many times recently how I wanted to spend today, but I just couldn't think about it. I didn't know. I still don't know, but writing seems to be the best thing that keeps coming to my mind. I've put a lot of things that brought me joy on hold as life has been full on, so it certainly makes sense to do something that was a shared interest between Mum and I and 'put pen to paper', as the saying goes.
I'll never forget that morning. I had just fed Phillip, breast pumped, and was about to go back to bed at around 3am when I had the urge to message Nana and check in. She had stayed with Mum in hospice that night. I sent her a message, "hi Nana, just reminding you I'm here and up through the night if you need to talk". I then went to the bathroom and came back to a missed call from my Stepdad. "Oh" I said and sat down before I rang him back.
A lot has happened over the past year. A lot I want to share with Mum, a lot of ups, downs, etc. all of which I wish she was here for. So many times I've wanted to pick up the phone only to realise she isn't there. Things I knew only she would understand. Especially those things her and I really bonded over, I couldn't hold those conversations with anyone else. It's just not the same.
Mum, I know you've been here with us and have been keeping a close eye on Phillip. When he waves at random to the air, I know it's you. He's the happiest boy and I'm always complemented on his smile, his charm, cheekiness, and his cuteness. He certainly loves life. I was told this morning by his new teacher, he loves to eat, sleep, and really just enjoys everything. He especially loves the outdoors when she opens up to let them play outside. I wish you were here in person to share it all with. I hugged him extra tight this morning, a few extra hugs and kisses just for you.
My life has changed so much since you left us. I'm engaged and planning a wedding. I spoke with your friend last night and have been politely reminded to move my butt with planning things as the wedding isn't far away. You would have been all over it, though. The idea of planning it without you has been hard. This was your area that you shined in. But, I'll do my best to make it a pleasant day and just enjoy it. As much as it will pain me not to have you there.
We've bought a house now, too. Closer to the beach, a small town, somewhere you would have loved. I'm slowly trying to make my way through organising it and de-cluttering. But, I know you would have loved this place. I organised the pantry yesterday and thought of you the whole time. Remember that time we took over Nana's pantry and gave it a good de-clutter? It was such a fun moment that not many people would understand. The joy of de-cluttering, cleaning and making everything organised. It really helps clear the head, too. I love that we shared the appreciation for orderliness and cleanliness.
Everyone's getting older, bigger, wiser, smarter, and so much is changing. My stepdaughter has developed an interest in professional wrestling now. I hope to get back into it soon. I've been sleep training Phillip and building up his days at daycare so I can start to prioritise my fitness again. I miss those times we worked out together. I could outlift you in everything, but you could out-dance me in your Zumba classes with ease. You always showed me how important it was to take care of yourself, and I'm trying, Mum. I just wish you were here to talk with about it, and come on some walks with Frank and I.
I listened to a webinar recently through work on grief resilience, which I thought was impeccable timing. The doctor in this session who spoke called out the 5 stages of grief as, essentially, (and in my words), "bullshit". She raised how we truly don't understand and appreciate, especially in the working world, how much grief and loss impacts our lives. We're expected to just bounce back and push through. Many people in my life have lost someone near and dear in the past year. Parents, children, mentors.
The NZ wrestling world recently lost a beautiful soul, Peter Lane, who was always a great mentor to the female wrestlers of IPW. He really encouraged us in the early days and has always been someone I could talk with at every show he was at. Quick to give praise, and open with some feedback. He met Phillip a few months ago, just before he passed. It was so sweet to introduce them to each other. Just the kindest human in NZ professional wrestling.
My dearest friend lost her Mother last month. I hate how life has been so in sync for her and I that this has happened to her as well, so soon, and so young. And now, with my recent move, I live even further. But distance holds no weight over love and we have many ways to communicate, or support, in these modern times. It's not the same as a physical hug, but I try to keep reminding her as best I can that she is not alone.
I thought I would share some of the learnings from that recent webinar on resilient grieving as well as some resources. Some of her key messages were:
Struggle: Understand that struggle and suffering are a part of life and not feeling discriminated against when facing adversity.
Controllable Aspects: Prioritise attention on aspects of life that can be controlled and accepting those that cannot.
Helping or Harming: Ask yourself if current actions are helping or harming your goals or wellbeing.
Practical Application: She emphasised the practical application of these steps in daily life to build resilience in real-time situations.
In terms of supporting others through loss, she shared this advice:
Individual Grieving: the importance of observing and validating individual grieving styles as grief is unique to each person.
Practical Help: Advised offering practical help with specific options rather than vague offers of support.
Long-Term Support: The importance of providing consistent support over the long haul as grief can last for years.
Dr Lucy Hone's website: https://www.copingwithloss.co/
Her TEDx Talk: Lucy Hone: 3 secrets of resilient people | TED Talk
Please feel free to share your stories, share about your lost loved ones, or share your own resilience tips in the comments. I would love to hear what you've learned or offer some kindred support as we struggle through the journey of life and cope with its many ups and downs. Thank you for being a part of my life and allowing me to feel less alone in my grief. I appreciate you for taking the time to read this.
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