Post natal depression absolutely fucking sucks. Anxiety is a freakin bitch.
That's it. That's my post.
No, but actually, I am finally in a place where I think I can write a bit about my experiences so far. I say so far because, whilst I might be doing alright at the moment, that may pass. I will likely hit another downward spiral or freak out again at something that seems so simple for other Mums. I might be up one moment and at the bottom of the pits the next. I could be so low I contemplate existence. I just don't know, and I am gunna forewarn you right now, this post ain't a fun one, but it's real. It's me and my journey.
As you know, the timing with losing Mum right after Phillip was born wasn't the best and likely added to how low I got. I've written a post about my birth story, edited it a few times, and yet I can't bring myself to post it. I've not been in the best headspace to share a lot and I'm letting it flow when I feel I can.
I decided today that I wanted to share this one because everyone has their ideas of anxiety and depression. There are definitely the known post-natal depression (PND) signs of wanting nothing to do with your child. So, when I was told I had PND, I was confused. That is, until I read a bit more and understood the scale of PND.
I had become so obsessed with the care and wellbeing of my baby that all else did not exist. He was what kept me going. He was my sole reason for existing. I struggled to remember to shower and eat. Other people in my life were there, but my focus was overwhelmingly on my new baby and his needs, like I was a machine. I didn't even recognise myself. Hell, I still don't sometimes.
I tried to enjoy the newborn stage. I really did. I love my boy more than anything. But, OH MY GAWD, I do not think I could go back to that place mentally again and actually survive. I am terrified.
The anxiety of leaving the house with a baby was crippling. I found myself curled up crying hysterically at the idea of it, let alone the thought of leaving him with anyone other than myself. Of course, other people would be capable of looking after him and, I think on some level, I knew that, but I couldn't see anyone else taking care of him but me.
I'm grateful for the understanding family and friends I have that checked in and helped out. Very grateful for my partner and amazed that we haven't killed each other, or separated, through everything we've been through.
What is crazy is that I was able to drop everything and be there at hospice with Mum, sort out the funeral, and get through all of that but internally I was running on less than zero. I wasn't sleeping at all for some of those weeks. I was a really ugly person and angry a lot of the time. Of course, grief had a part to play in it, too.
I got so low at a few points where I really did question if I could do this life anymore. I wondered how I could ever be happy again. I didn't like the person I was being, and I thought people would be better off without me around. But then I would look at my boy and know instantly that I couldn't leave him alone in this world. He deserved a mother who was strong and there for him. I just lost mine, it wasn't right to take his, too.
I'm grateful for my knowledge in mental wellbeing and grateful that people, especially my amazing partner, called it out to me when I was low. Probably could've worded things nicer sometimes, but ultimately, I needed to hear the truth. I needed to be told and I needed help. I knew this well enough myself that I called helplines and reached out. I spoke with my doctors, and they checked in following appointments. I got surrounded by support and leaned into my discomfort of accepting help from others.
It's hard when you're in the lows to really speak up and to say, "help me", and actually accept the help. I'm glad I did. Accepting the fact that perhaps I was depressed and anxious really helped. I tried to ensure I communicated that with others. If they wanted to connect, where I felt safe to do so, I would say yes but explain that I am anxious and I need you to meet me halfway or the whole way. I can't stretch that much yet. I'm not ready.
I know a lot of people don't understand, or at least it felt that way, that others didn't really understand. It is hard to watch experienced mothers or new mothers who appear to have it all together just get on with things on social media and look extra happy. I would wonder what I was missing. Why was I dealt with the shit cards? Can't someone hand me an Ace? Gimme a break...
Returning to work and putting Phillip in daycare has been one of the best things for my mental wellbeing. It was hard at first, but as the months have gone on, I've found it easier to say goodbye as I drop him off. I prioritise our time together and ensure I give him my full attention, whilst making time for the other important people in my life, without burning myself out.
Most importantly, I have been prioritising myself and my own wellbeing. I discussed with a psychologist before returning to work what a good plan could be to help myself. I've used annual leave days to take a day off that's just for me to do what I want. I use my days at the office, which is located at a mall, to walk through the mall alone and just enjoy being childfree and carefree for a moment. Sometimes, I grab an overpriced, luxurious coffee and sit in peace and sip away. It's bliss. It's my "me time" and my opportunity to just pause and think without all the noise.
Now, when I find myself getting low, I am definitely better equipped to fend off the negative mindset. I still have low periods and will lean in to what I need. In weekends, especially where I have been missing my time with Phillip, I won't make any plans and will just prioritise hanging out with him. Some evenings where he's clearly overtired and I'm stressed, I'll sit in the play pen with him and grab the toys. I pause what I'm doing, play nursery rhymes and start singing them. It cheers him up and, eventually, I start smiling too. I dread the day he starts telling me my singing sucks and that I'm not actually that funny. For now, it's bloody great seeing him laugh over the dumbest shit.
Anxiety and depression sucks. Life can be an absolute bitch sometimes. I don't want sympathy or for people to respond telling me it's OK. I know these things. I'm good. I just want to share so people have more awareness and for other new Mums to know that it's not easy and that is absolutely okay.
It's OK to struggle. It's OK to hate being a Mum sometimes. It's OK to be tired and leave the housework to pile up. It's OK if the house looks a mess, and you do too. It is ABSOLUTELY okay to not be yourself right now. It is OK if you have no clue what you're doing. Who really does anyway?! It is OK. It. Is. O.K.
You are O.K.
If you're not feeling OK and you're wanting a fellow Mum to connect with about the miseries of that newborn life, please feel free to reach out. I may be slack to respond, but I will respond. I always do... it just takes a bit longer these days.
And please no hate. I love my family. I love my child. I wouldn't change a thing. Our experience to date has made us close, strong, and I have learned a lot. I just definitely cannot answer the question, "will you have another?". I am still trying to survive the here and now. Please don't ask me that. I'm taking each day as it comes.
Thank you xx
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